Have you ever known exactly what you wanted to say, only to hear yourself say something completely different?
Maybe you agreed to take on more work when you were already overwhelmed. Stayed quiet when someone crossed a line. Said “whatever you want” when you actually had a preference. Or replayed a conversation afterward, thinking of all the things you wished you’d said.
That’s where assertiveness comes in.
Assertiveness is the ability to express what you think, feel, need, or want clearly and respectfully, while recognizing that other people have the right to do the same.
It’s not about becoming louder, tougher, or more demanding. It’s about learning to have a voice without needing to overpower anyone else’s.
And that’s the real power of assertiveness: you can advocate for yourself while still treating other people with respect.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a communication style that sits between passivity and aggression.
A passive approach tends to prioritize other people’s needs, preferences, or opinions at the expense of your own.
An aggressive approach prioritizes your needs without enough regard for the other person’s.
Assertiveness makes room for both.
A simple way to think about it is:
Passive: Your needs matter more than mine.
Aggressive: My needs matter more than yours.
Assertive: Your needs matter, and so do mine.
That’s why assertiveness isn’t simply about getting what you want. You can communicate assertively and still hear “no,” lose an argument, or end up compromising.
The difference is that you’ve participated honestly in the conversation rather than disappearing from it.
The Mayo Clinic describes assertiveness as a direct and respectful communication style based on mutual respect. It can help you express yourself effectively while respecting the rights and beliefs of others.
Why is assertiveness so powerful?
Assertiveness changes the way you participate in your own life.
When you become more comfortable expressing what you need, you may find it easier to:
- say no without inventing an elaborate excuse
- ask for what you want
- disagree without turning the conversation into a fight
- establish healthier boundaries
- give and receive feedback
- advocate for yourself at work
- make decisions without constantly seeking approval
- address problems before resentment builds
- communicate more honestly in relationships
But perhaps the biggest benefit is simpler.
You stop expecting other people to guess what you need.
Why can it be so difficult to be assertive?
Because speaking up can feel risky.
Maybe you’re worried someone will think you’re selfish, difficult, or demanding. Perhaps you hate conflict. You might fear disappointing people or damaging a relationship.
Sometimes the pattern goes back much further. You may have learned that being agreeable earned approval, that keeping quiet kept the peace, or that other people’s needs took priority.
So even a perfectly reasonable sentence like:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.
You might soften it. Explain it. Apologize for it. Or abandon it entirely.
That’s why learning assertiveness isn’t only about memorizing better phrases. It’s also about becoming more comfortable with the fact that other people won’t always love what you have to say.
And that’s okay.
Passive vs. assertive vs. aggressive communication
The distinction becomes much clearer when you see the three styles in action.
Imagine a colleague asks you to take on another project when you’re already overloaded.
Passive:
“Sure. I’ll figure it out.”
You protect the other person from disappointment but ignore your own capacity.
Aggressive:
“Absolutely not. You’re always dumping things on me.”
Your concern may be legitimate, but the delivery attacks the other person.
Assertive:
“I’m at capacity with X and Y right now. I can take this on, but we’ll need to decide what gets deprioritized.”
You’re clear about the problem without attacking anyone.
Or imagine a friend repeatedly cancels plans at the last minute.
Passive:
“No worries!”
Even though there are, in fact, worries.
Aggressive:
“You’re unbelievably selfish. You always do this.”
Assertive:
“When plans are cancelled at the last minute, it’s frustrating for me. If we’re going to make plans, I need us both to treat them as commitments.”
Same issue. Very different communication.
How to practice assertiveness: 7 skills to build
Assertiveness isn’t something you either have or don’t.
It’s a skill. And like most skills, it gets easier with practice.
1. Know what you actually want
Before speaking up, get clear with yourself.
Ask:
What’s bothering me?
What do I need?
What would I like to happen next?
If you aren’t clear about what you want, it’s difficult to communicate it clearly to someone else.
Try to separate the specific behavior or problem from the story you’ve built around it.
Instead of:
My boss doesn’t respect me.
Try:
My boss has interrupted me three times in meetings this week, and I’d like to address it.
Now you have something concrete to work with.
2. Be direct without being harsh
Assertive communication doesn’t need a five-minute runway.
Compare:
“I’m really sorry, and I totally understand if this is a problem, and I don’t want you to think I’m not committed, but I was wondering if maybe…”
with:
“I won’t be able to take that on this week.”
Clear isn’t rude.
You can be warm, thoughtful, and empathetic while still saying exactly what you mean.
In fact, excessive softening can sometimes make communication less effective because the other person genuinely doesn’t know what you’re asking for.
3. Use “I” statements
“I” statements can help you describe your experience without turning the conversation into an accusation.
Instead of:
“You never listen.”
Try:
“I don’t feel heard when I’m interrupted before I’ve finished.”
Instead of:
“You’re giving me too much work.”
Try:
“I’m at capacity right now. We need to revisit my priorities if I’m going to take this on.”
The goal isn’t to avoid ever using the word you. It’s to keep the conversation focused on the issue rather than attacking the other person’s character.
4. Learn to say no
For many people, this is where assertiveness gets real.
“No” can trigger guilt because it means another person may be disappointed.
But saying yes to everything has a cost too.
Try:
“Thanks for asking, but I can’t.”
Or:
“I don’t have capacity for that right now.”
Or:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
Notice what’s missing: a three-paragraph defense of your decision.
You can give a reason when one is useful. You don’t have to prove that your no is sufficiently worthy.
If this is particularly difficult for you, our guide to setting healthy boundaries goes deeper into deciding where your limits are and communicating them clearly.
5. Pay attention to how you say it
Assertiveness isn’t only verbal.
Your tone, posture, expression, and pace all influence how a message lands.
You don’t need to perform confidence you don’t feel. But try to avoid undermining a clear message by mumbling, laughing nervously, looking away, or turning a statement into a question.
Keep your voice steady.
Make comfortable eye contact.
Let yourself finish the sentence.
And once you’ve said what you need to say, resist the urge to immediately fill the silence.
6. Start small
Don’t make your first assertiveness experiment the most intimidating conversation of your life.
Practice when the stakes are low.
Tell a friend which restaurant you’d prefer.
Correct someone who gets your order wrong.
Say you can’t attend something instead of inventing an excuse.
Offer a different opinion in a meeting.
Ask for clarification when you don’t understand something.
These little moments are reps.
Each one teaches you that expressing a preference or need doesn’t automatically lead to rejection or conflict.
7. Stay assertive when you get pushback
Speaking clearly doesn’t guarantee the other person will immediately agree.
They may question your decision.
Push again.
Become defensive.
Or try to persuade you back into the old pattern.
You don’t necessarily need a new argument.
Sometimes you simply need to calmly repeat yourself:
“I understand. I still can’t take that on.”
“I hear what you’re saying. My decision hasn’t changed.”
“I understand you’re disappointed. This is still what I need.”
Being assertive isn’t only about finding the courage to speak once.
Sometimes it’s about staying with what you said after someone pushes back.
How to be assertive without being rude
This is one of the biggest misconceptions about assertiveness.
People sometimes imagine only two choices:
Say nothing or be confrontational.
There’s a huge amount of territory between them.
Assertiveness doesn’t require raising your voice, humiliating someone, issuing threats, or proving that you’re right.
A useful test is to ask:
Am I being clear about what I need while still respecting the other person’s right to have a different perspective?
If so, you’re probably much closer to assertiveness than aggression.
And remember: someone disliking your boundary doesn’t automatically mean you communicated it badly.
If speaking up for yourself is the part you find hardest, read our guide to how to stand up for yourself without being rude. It includes practical examples for work, relationships, friends, and family.
How to practice assertiveness at work
The workplace can make assertiveness particularly difficult because power and hierarchy are real.
You may worry about being seen as difficult, uncooperative, or “not a team player.”
Professional assertiveness means recognizing those dynamics while still communicating clearly about what you need.
If your workload is already full:
“I can take this on. Which of my existing priorities would you like me to move?”
Someone keeps interrupting you:
“I’d like to finish my point, and then I’d love to hear your thoughts.”
You see things differently from your manager:
“I understand the thinking. I see one risk differently. Can I walk you through it?”
There’s an opportunity you want:
“I’d like to be considered for the role. What would you need to see from me to feel confident I’m ready?”
Someone else gets credit for your contribution:
“I’d like to add some context. I developed the initial approach and led the work on this part of the project.”
None of these requires aggression.
They’re simply examples of making yourself visible in the conversation.
If you have an important workplace conversation ahead, you may benefit from practicing it with someone who can offer objective feedback. The Communicate with Impact & Influence session helps you prepare for your specific situation and rehearse the conversation with an experienced coach.
How to be more assertive in relationships
Relationships need compromise, but healthy compromise requires two people whose needs are visible.
If you’re always the one accommodating, eventually compromise can become resentment.
Rather than:
“You clearly don’t care what I want.”
try:
“This matters to me, and I’d like us to find a solution that works for both of us.”
Rather than hoping your partner notices that you’re overwhelmed:
“I’m carrying too much right now. I need us to rethink how we’re dividing things.”
And rather than agreeing simply to end an argument:
“I understand your perspective. I don’t agree, and I’d like us to keep talking about it.”
Assertiveness isn’t a way to get your way in relationships.
It’s a way to make sure there are actually two people participating in them.
Assertiveness, boundaries, and self-empowerment
These ideas are closely connected, but they aren’t identical.
A boundary defines what you’re comfortable with, what you need, or what you’re willing to accept.
Assertiveness gives you the communication skills to express that boundary.
And self-empowerment is broader still: recognizing that you have agency and can make choices about how you respond and what you do next.
You might know exactly where your boundary is but struggle to say it aloud. This can be especially difficult for people who identify with common empath traits and instinctively prioritize other people’s feelings.
Or you might communicate beautifully but still look to other people to make important decisions for you.
Developing all three can help you participate more deliberately in your own life.
If that broader idea resonates, our guide to self-empowerment explores how to build greater self-trust, agency, and confidence in everyday life.
A simple assertiveness exercise
Think of one situation where you wish you were more assertive.
Then answer four questions:
What’s happening?
What do I need?
What am I afraid will happen if I say it?
What’s the clearest respectful sentence I could use?
Now write the sentence.
Make it shorter.
Remove any apology you don’t actually owe.
Remove the character judgment of the other person.
Say it out loud.
That’s your practice.
You don’t even have to use it yet. Rehearsing assertive language can help make it feel less foreign when the real conversation arrives.
The power of assertiveness starts with practice
You probably won’t suddenly become assertive in every part of your life.
Nor should that be the goal.
Start with one conversation.
One no.
One opinion you would normally keep to yourself.
One request you would normally hope someone else figures out.
One boundary you communicate instead of silently resenting.
Assertiveness doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want.
It means you stop automatically excluding yourself from the conversation about what happens next.
And that can change a lot.
If you’d like support developing greater confidence, boundaries, or self-trust, you can explore empowerment coaches and experiences on Plentiful
Frequently Asked Questions
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, needs, and boundaries clearly and respectfully while recognizing that other people have the right to do the same. It sits between passive communication, which can neglect your own needs, and aggressive communication, which can disregard the needs of others.
What is the power of assertiveness?
The power of assertiveness comes from being able to advocate for yourself without needing to overpower someone else. Assertiveness can support clearer communication, healthier boundaries, greater self-confidence, and more honest relationships.
How can I practice assertiveness?
Start in low-stakes situations. Express a preference, say no to a small request, ask for clarification, or respectfully offer a different opinion. As assertive communication becomes more familiar, practice it in more challenging situations.
What are examples of assertive communication?
Examples include “I don’t have capacity for that right now,” “I’d like to finish my point,” “I see this differently,” and “That doesn’t work for me.” Assertive statements tend to be clear and direct without attacking or blaming the other person.
What’s the difference between assertive and aggressive communication?
Assertive communication respects both your needs and the other person’s rights and perspectives. Aggressive communication prioritizes getting your way and may involve blaming, intimidation, or disrespect. Assertiveness aims for clarity and mutual respect rather than dominance.
Can you learn to be more assertive?
Yes. Assertiveness is a communication skill that can be learned and practiced. Techniques include using “I” statements, saying no clearly, rehearsing difficult conversations, practicing assertive body language, and starting with lower-risk situations.
Why do I feel guilty when I’m assertive?
If you’re accustomed to pleasing others or avoiding conflict, expressing your needs may initially feel selfish or uncomfortable. Feeling guilty doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. Ask whether you were clear, respectful, and reasonable rather than using the other person’s reaction as the only measure of whether you should have spoken up.
